New job, new people… time to quit!

Today a client came with a problem: he’s just started a new job and he wants to quit. He’s ready to walk out tomorrow.

The new job is something he wanted to do and it’s in line with his dream.

So why quit?

Long story short: everyone around him is uncertain about themselves. Not about him, it’s just that kind of place. So– her’s the important piece — he’s picking up on everyone else’s lack of confidence, uncertainty, and anxiety.

We talked about the “induced reaction”– that’s when you pick up what is going on with the other person and you are induced into their state. It’s a real human phenomenon.

We talked about how he can stay inside himself– breathe, ground, remind himself of who he is, rather than get pulled into their stuff. He felt a lot more confident and ready to take on the challenges of the job when he goes into work tomorrow.

When have you been induced into someone else’s state? What did you do, or do you need some advice on what to do?

“You are in my personal space!”

I don’t usually use a term like “personal space” – while it’s descriptive, it’s a little new-agey for me. But “personal space” was a big part of two stress related experiences I had last night and today.

At about 8 PM yesterday I had to go to the main branch of the post office (open late) to put an important package in the mail. Since the package was not-quite-wrapped I just took all the stuff—box, contents, tape, scissors and felt-tipped pen — with me, figuring I’d put it all together once I was in the post office rather than run the risk of getting there and finding the place closed.

So there I was, putting the package together, while I waited in line. My stuff—the box, my pen, a label and the scissors—was all spread out on the floor and I kept pushing everything forward as the line advanced. I should mention I was also listening to a radio program on my walkman (I know, very retro).

Suddenly I heard, “You are in my personal space.”

The voice was obviously audible enough to penetrate the NPR broadcast coming in through my headset. So I looked up and saw its source. A woman in front of me – on a cell phone – was glaring down from above, staring at her right foot.

I followed her gaze to figure out what she was referring to and saw that lightly resting on her shoe was the thin cord of my headset.

Then, probably thinking that I didn’t hear her the first time, she said, louder and more emphatically, “YOU — ARE — IN — MY — PERSONAL — SPACE!”

I quickly replied, “I’m sorry,” and I moved the headset cord away from her foot.
But clearly that wasn’t enough,

“You’re SORRY?” came the reply (remember, she was also involved in a cell phone conversation at the time – I heard her say, into the phone, “This guy is in my personal space!”).

At that moment I thought, this is crazy! What should I do? Should I get angry or should I lighten up?

I went for the light approach.

I looked up at her and I smiled, “How can I make it up to you?”

She looked down and said, in a very commanding tone, “Buy me a chicken!”

Not missing a beat I replied, “Whole or half?” and I got an immediate response. “Barbeque! ”

I said, “it will be waiting in your car.”

Then there was a pause.

“That’s IT?” she said. “Just a CHICKEN?” Then, into the phone: “He’s just going to give just me a CHICKEN! Can you believe that???”

“No, no,” I said, “I’m going to give you a meal fit for a goddess! You are a goddess!!”

Then she laughed. “That’s better.”

At that moment she was called up to the clerk (wasn’t my first blog about a post office experience?). I finished wrapping and labeling my package.

Before reflecting on this odd but funny scenario, I’m going to write about one that is happening right now — as I am writing this post.

I am on a plane traveling across the country. I’m in the economy section, on an aisle seat at the back of the plane and a big man is sitting next to me. Big as in BIG. Not obese. Big. He takes up more than the space of his seat. Not only is there no room for my left arm on the armrest (wat armrest? ), but this man’s right leg and thigh are pressing against my seat and my left leg, and — there’s more — his leg is bouncing up and down and has been doing that, continuously, for the last 3 hours. It is shaking my whole seat! OK, I’m thinking, “This guy is in MY personal space. I have to say something!” But what? A million thoughts are flying through my head, all of them either insulting or inflammatory. Those won’t work. I’m going to go with “descriptive” – describing what is happening.

So here’s what I just said to him, “Your leg is shaking my seat.”
The guy pulled his torso and head back to look at me with a “Are you kidding?” look.

I said, “I know it’s really tight in here but…”

But he’s not really listening.

Time passes. The leg stopped shaking for about 20 minutes. But now it’s starting up again again.

This is stressful. (It is still going on at this very moment as I am writing this sentence). What should I do? I already said something that didn’t do much. So I figure I could either duke it out with a who’s-going-to-push-his-way-onto-the-armrest routine or I can suck it up.

I’m going with “suck it up.” This guy is big—not in the intimidating way (see my first post for that). He’s just physically big. Obviously he’s very uncomfortable. (He’s in the middle seat and sitting next to a soldier, in uniform, who is even bigger than he is—so there’s a little domino effect happening here and guess who’s getting pushed over into the aisle – me!) So I’m very uncomfortable. We’re ALL uncomfortable. What’s more, the heat in the plane is on and the air conditioning is minimal. I am sweating.

What’s the point of all this? Personal space (PS)—whatever you call it– is an issue and it is stress producing. How we respond to it is where the stress really happens.

What do you call PS? Have you had an experience of someone in your PS lately, and what did you do about it?

Me: I took the less-stress approach: humor in the first experience, and acceptance in the second. I’m accepting the things I cannot change: other people.

Maybe I’m getting a little wiser. Well, today at least.

By the way, the “You are a goddess” line came from The Dating Goddess, who believes all women are goddesses and, at least to me, one trying-to-figure-it-all-out-middle-aged-guy, I think she’s onto something.
(see her blog: www.datinggoddess.com, it’s excellent).

Tomorrow I am speaking all day at a conference for dentists, then on to observe the Jewish Holiday of Yom Kippur with my family.

Have a good weekend. I’ll be back next week.

Watch your personal space.

What to do when there’s too much to do

I’m taking off for a speaking trip tomorrrow.
The pre-trip pile up on my “To Do” list is enormous.

What to do? (literally!)

Here’s what I did. Try it out and tell me if it worked for you…

1. Decide what’s absolutely essential– read those words again: absolutely essential. One thing. Two max! For me, I had to get a couple of important items in the mail today before the post office closed.

2. Accept that you are not going to get everything done (I’m not even looking at the list at this point!) You are not perfect. No one is.

3. Make a list of the four or five small things you have to do right before you leave on your journey: I made a little reminder list of essential items not yet packed — computer cord, cell phone charger, etc. (I have left those things behind at different times in the past. When the rush-to-leave gets going the small essential things can easily be forgotten).

4. Get rest.

Hey. That’s good advice. I’m out of here.

Good night!

On the matter of “returning”

We are right in the midst of the Jewish High Holidays. The ten days between Rosh Hashana (last weekend) and Yom Kippur (this coming Saturday) are a period of “Teshuva”– which is conventionally translated as “repentance.” In this ten day period you are supposed to repent for all your sins over the past year. Our Rabbi talks about it differently. He calls it a period of “return” and encourages us to do self inquiry: in the last year when did you “miss the mark” from being your highest self land how can you return?

All spiritual disciplines speak about connection to the highest self — whether it’s a higher power, or to a god or goddess or the universal One.

What does “connection to your highest self” mean? Why is it so important? And what does it have to do with stress?

According to my understanding, “returning to one’s highest self” means “What actions can I take to live a healthy, peaceful life, so I can contribute well to my family, friends and community?” For me those actions are simple: exercise, good diet, adequate rest (I’m still working on that one!), taking care of my wife and family and treating people as I would like them to treat me.

Why are these things important? The holy scriptures in India say that when we are connected to our highest self life is ever new, ever conscious and ever blissful (“Satchitananda”). That sounds good to me.

What does this have to do with stress? Everything.

You’ll hear me say over and over again in this blog “Stress is a function of disconnection”. This means that when we are disconnected from our highest self — when we do things that do not support our health, our growth or the community — we feel stressed. And when we “return” — when we work to stay connected, we feel a whole lot better. Sometimes even blissful!

When have you reconnected with your highest self? What prompted your move in that direction?
How did it feel?

Dealing with someone else’s stress

This is my first post.

My intention on this blog is to share thoughts, observations and suggestions about stress in our lives. My life. Your life. That means I’d love to hear from you.

I hope, after you read this, you’ll send a line (or more) about your reaction to what I’ve said, a question you might have, or your own thoughts or observations about stress– your own stress, and the stress around you.

I’m convinced we can help each other deal with stress better.

My profession: I’m a psychologist who specializes in stress. I’ve been in practice for 28 years. I’m very aware of my own stress level and what’s going on around me and I am really glad to have a place to share my experiences and reflections and also invite your comments.

I had a stress-producing experience this morning I’d like to reflect on.
A little background: my driver’s license is up for renewal (I live in northern California). I got a notice from the Department of Motor Vehicles and set up an appointment using the online feature. I learned it’s better to have an appointment at DMV rather than just walk in. When you have an appointment the wait time is significantly reduced.

So here’s what happened when I went in at my appointment time this morning.

On entering I saw there were two lines. One for people without appointments and one for people with. The one for people without appointments was really long. But there was no one on the line for the people who made an appointment. So I got on that line. At the counter, the clerk was finishing up dealing with someone and once that person had left she turned to me and said “Next.” So I walked up to the counter.

The next thing I heard was someone behind me scream out, “HEY BUDDY.THERE’S A LONG LINE HERE!” My heart jumped. I turned around and mid-stream in the people-without-appointments line was a big guy who looked very angry. I’m not a small guy, but this guy was really angry. And intimidating. Before I could say anything to him, the clerk responded and said — referring to me — “He had an appointment. We take people with appointments first.”

So she took care of my paperwork, gave me a number and I left to sit and wait for my number to be called. My heart was pounding.

When I sat down I looked back at the line. The angry guy was still there and he was sending me dirty looks. Like “I AM REALLY REALLY ANGRY AT YOU, YOU F****** A******!!!!”

I felt all worked up inside. Now what? What was I supposed to do? Was this guy going to come after me in the parking lot? My mind started spinning out.

When I realized I was getting all stressed out I thought, “I’m the Stress Doctor. This is stressful. Deal with it.” So I calmed myself down– got my breathing going (I had all but stopped it). I disconnected from the guy’s stare. I took out my cell phone and made a call I needed to make. I calmed down a lot and didn’t look back at the guy again.

In other words, instead of being fixated on this guy and his anger, I reconnected with myself. His anger had nothing to do with me.

Most days I see how someone else’s feeling (particularly anger) can start to stress me out.
I’ve learned that the key here is to get reconnected to myself.There are real specific tools for this. I mentioned breathing. If you’re interested let me know and I’ll tell you about the tools that can help.
Did you have an experience today of someone else’s stress affecting you? I’d like to hear it.

I’m glad to be in the blogosphere!